Part 14
OFFICIAL SCRIPT By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma PART 14: Shots of Vegas nightlife. People are gambling, dancing, having a gay old time, etc. The Grüp struts along the Strip, wearing sunglasses at night, and pointing around at people provocatively. A prostitute walks up to Manfred wearing drag. HONEY CAKES (in a very gravelly voice): Hey baby, name’s Honey Cakes, how’s about I trim that beard of yours…..sensually….? MANFRED: ….what gender are you? HONEY CAKES: Come closer and I’ll show ya. MANFRED: The only handjob I need is from the swift hand of Justice. HONERY CAKES: Oh, you’ve met my cousin? Manfred stares awkwardly and then they slowly move onward. Thongledore stays behind. He and Honey Cakes look at each other in the eyes briefly and then soft music starts up. Thongledore’s beard begins stretching outwards towards Honey Cakes on its own accord. Manfred grabs him. MANFRED: Come on! He pulls Thongledore towards them and they approach the Imperial Palace. A sign in front of it reads “Wizard-Con” and one of those guys in a gorilla mascot costume is standing out front wearing wizard robes. PETER: Look guys! It’s Wizard Kong! The mascot for Wizard-Con! MANFRED: Wizards, huh? We just may find our prophet there. SHAMAN (telepathically, echoey voice): That’s a good assumption. The elevator takes them into the dark depths of the Imperial Palace, and in the catacombs lies…the con. MANFRED: Are we in the right place? They look over and an actor past his prime is chained to a wall. WILLIAM SHATNER: CCCCCONNNNNNNN! PETER: I guess so. They humbly kneel before the head of the Wizards. MANFRED: Thank you for helping us, O Mighty Shaman… VOICE (normal sounding): Nah, I’m over here. MANFRED: What. The Grüp turns to see a janitor in a gray jumpsuit, standing there with a mop in one hand and a large hoagie in the other. MANFRED: You’re the wise shaman….? SHAMAN: A-yup……. Yeah I’ve got magic powers. See this hoagie? (takes a chomp, mouth full) It’s gone……wait where the fuck did all these crumbs come from? (begins to mop it up) MANFRED: Why have you called upon us, shaman? SHAMAN: You all play more of a role in this grand scheme of things than you could ever conceive. The Grüp looks at each other. THONGLEDORE: Even me? SHAMAN: Sadly, yes. Follow me. They exit the chamber to a dim hallway lit by torches on either side. The rest of the wizards in Wizard-Con looked on confused. HEAD WIZARD (nasally voice): *big snort* What a bunch of nerds. In the hallway, The Grüp listens to the Shaman, who is still dragging the mop bucket behind him. SHAMAN (dramatically): Throughout the millennia, there have been countless tales of legendary heroes. As protectors of our race, we shaman….s. (normal voice) Is it shamans... or shami? PETER: Why you askin’ me? SHAMAN: You look smart. Peter’s head peels backwards and he makes an odd gurgling sound. SHAMAN: We shami have bestowed upon ourselves the task of aiding these heroes in their quest to vanquish evil. Have you heard the name…. Teddy Roosevelt before? MCGREGOR: Yeah. 26th President of the United States. Noted for his exuberant personality, range of interests and achievements, and his leadership of the Progressive Movement, as well as his "cowboy" persona and robust masculinity. SHAMAN: Yeahhh… he also led the most recent Grüp against the horde of zombie mutant ninja dragons in 19 ought 5. MANFRED: The what? SHAMAN: Yes, we keep these events under tight wraps. MANFRED: Even what’s going on now? The Shaman nods. MANFRED: So you’re telling me that the general public does not even know the impending doom that might befall them?! SHAMAN: Oh they do. They just call it “The Economy”. MANFRED: Why us? SHAMAN: Don’t you see, Manfred? The four of you! You’re the next heroes foretold to stop this evil! It’s time to bring the fight to them! This world is still ours- MANFRED: Well, seeing as I literally killed the only thing that can save us, i.e. The Monster… SHAMAN: You did what now? MANFRED: …(points to McGregor) and this guy is literally a certifiable sociopath… SHAMAN: Well, I uh- MANFRED: (to Peter) he’s literally a drug lord… SHAMAN: but that’s- MANFRED (to Thongledore) and this…. is literally…indescribable. Thongledore is hanging upside down from the ceiling like a bat. SHAMAN (weakly): it’s a…rag-tag group of misfits against all odds? (normal) Oh God, what was BiTC thinking sending these ‘tards? MCGREGOR: I prefer to be called McGregor. Manfred rushes up to the shaman. MANFRED: Tell me, prophet, how do you know about BiTC? Who are they?! WHO ARE THEY WORKING FOR?! SHAMAN: (chuckle) Ask them yourself. MANFRED: THEY’RE HERE?!!!? SHAMAN: Take a look. A periscope comes out of the ceiling and Manfred looks into it. The top of the periscope peeks out from a sewer and looks at Mandalay Bay, which has the BiTC HQ rock skewered through it haphazardly. A cop car pulls up to the tower and the officer gets out. He writes up a parking citation, reaches up and places it on the rock, and then drives off. MANFRED: There, the truth will really REALLY be revealed. Third time’s the charm. SHAMAN: Before you go, I will present to you, a device designed by Teddy Roosevelt himself, designed to exterminate all evil. May it help you on your quest. It is called… The Trustbuster. The shaman pushes a button and lowering onto an altar is… a humongous fucking gun. MCGREGOR: Tha fuuuuucccckkk?! He looks on in pure, unadulterated bliss at the magnificent machine. He slowly walks up to the weapon, gets on his knees , and begins to lick it. MCGREGOR (in awe): It tastes just like I imagined it would……….bad. He picks up the gun, primed for battle. SHAMAN: With this, you all stand a fighting chance. The world needs your help. Our prophecy has foretold of the chosen one, the mighty bearded one (shows Manfred looking on proudly) saving our proverbial… and literal bacon. Now do you want bacon on your burger, or do you want…death? MANFRED: For planet Earth! PETER: For bacon! MCGREGOR: FOR THIS GUN!! THONGLEDORE: For Honey Cakes! Now that The Grüp is riled up, they’re ready to see what BiTC really is. MANFRED: We’re ready to see what BiTC really is. McGregor cocks the giant gun very slowly and loudly, and they rush off.